Celebratory day

Wicca: Beltane, also called Beltain, May Eve (April 30) and May Day. Celebrates the conjoining of the infinite potential of the Goddess with the life-sparking energy of the God in the sacred marriage which is the basis of all creation. It is a time for balancing the feminine and masculine tides within the psyche as each celebrant prepares to participate in bringing the creative potential of the year to fruition.

Today I began my celebration with a flight over San Diego. My first flight away from the airport since January. The annual airshow was at Gillespie this weekend so I went early. I was nervous and my throat was tight, but this time I recognized that it was with anticipation. Pre-flighting the plane, I grew calm and focused. I took off and headed west to Soledad. There I turned south and soared above the San Diego Bay.

To the north I could see a huge inversion layer over northern San Diego county. Above it I could see the snow-capped San Bernardino and San Gabriel mountains. Snow in late April!
What a crazy year.

The flight was uneventful and I realized that I can live with my fears. I don't need anti-depressants.

The Paper Bag

Back to work today. My throat was fine. About 1:00 pm as I sipped water, I felt it close up. I felt a surge of adrenalin course through me. I began to feel nervous. I got up, locked the door of my office, and took a walk outside. I practiced deep breathing and did a few yoga stretches while sobbing for a few minutes.

I was calmer when I returned but my throat was still tight. Driving home and at home, I had several surges of adrenalin. It's not pleasant. I took the GABA but I wasn't sure how effective it was against these adrenalin shocks, and then I remembered something my primary doctor had told me when I came back from Costa Rica. In a panic, breathe into a brown paper bag normally. I tried it. It worked. Within 30 seconds, I was calm.

It works because, like deep breathing, it adjusts the CO2 to Oxygen levels in your blood. More CO2 relaxes you. Exhaling longer than you inhale will do this, but rebreathing your exhaled air in a paper bag works even faster!

Another tool in this ongoing fight.

There is a big difference today, I have noticed and it may be due to the GABA. I have physical symptoms of anxiety but they don't affect my mood. I know now that I will emerge stronger when this particular battle is over. That is a major step forward

Several friends have contacted me over the past few days, concerned about me (when you go around mentioning words like suicide....). I am so grateful for friends -- they are a major part of my healing process. Julia and Pam took me out to dinner last week. I thank Karen for telling me that I could call her anytime I needed a shoulder to cry on. I thank Soo for his heartfelt letter and sharing with me his own battle against depression and how faith, meditation, and prayer have given him the peace of mind that he now enjoys. I am grateful to Diane for thinking to read my website on a sleepless night and to encourage my writing. And I cannot even begin to express my love for my sisters who are standing beside me in this. I am grateful to Nancy, my acupuncturist, who constantly tells me that the solution is within myself and that today I might just walk away symptom-free -- that's how easy it is. And then there is my son. He reminds me that someone needs me and that I fly and walk on water.

Sixty Days to Good Health

What an odyssey these past two months have been. In my attempt to cure my asthma and my anxiety, I've tried everything from vitamins, minerals, muscle relaxants, one anti-depressant, yoga, deep breathing, deep relaxation, meditation, prayer, humming, exercise, eating right, avoiding stressful images (TV and the news in general), and practicing compassion. I quit drinking wine and coffee. I avoid sugar. I've had massage, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, homeopathic medicine (made of squid ink), and finally an amino acid, GABA.

GABA did the trick I think. My anxiety has waned over the past two days and my positive thoughts are to the fore again. I haven't had a hot flash in a month.

I was down at Sunset Cliffs this afternoon and brought the book, "The Art of Happiness" written by a western doctor who interprets the Dalai Lama's wisdom into psychotherapeutic terms. I sat down on the bench, picked up the book, and began to read. After several pages I glanced down and noticed that I had not put on my reading glasses. I didn't need them!

Since I'm not sure which of the above led me to this good fortune, I guess I shall have to keep practicing all of them.

Blue Pill Revisited

The Blue Pill is a suicide pill!

I took one yesterday and felt normal in the morning except for a tightness in my throat.

I went to Gillespie Field and took Four Bravo Tango up into the skies for three touch n' goes. It was my first flight since 1/17/05 where I was pilot in command. I enjoyed it immensely; the focus, the concentration, and my skill at landing. I did 3 perfect landings. Who says I'm rusty?

I went to work at noon. The stress slowly built up over the day. I came home and walked at Sunset Cliffs, read David Sedaris book, "Naked", which is very, very sad. He talks about feeling like a freak when he was young because he was a closet homosexual. Maybe in another frame of mind, I might have found it funny -- his ability to joke about the intolerance the world has shown to his true self. But I didn't.

I went to bed at 9:00 am. I could tell immediately that sleep would elude me. I switched my head to the foot of the bed (the wall can make me feel claustrophobic). I tried music, I began to panic. Panic! I hadn't had a panic attack since April 5 when I decided not to take the business trip to San Francisco. I decided I'd rather die than live like this (suicidal thoughts). So I got up and took the Serax (valium) and went for a slow walk around the Famosa slough path near my house.

I felt the Serax kick in and calm me and I returned home and went to bed. I'm back to the natural path of relaxation, eliminate stress producing substances and activities from my life, and patience.

The Blue Pill

A few years ago I wrote a short story about a dream I had. The world was ending and my family and I had arranged to meet at a mall in the green section. We were passed out suicide pills to take before the poison gas descended upon our town. I ran to say goodbye to my sister from whom I had been estranged and then sat down next to my friend, Mary, and my son to take the blue pill.

Prozac is a blue pill. Today I'm going to take the Prozac. I have struggled with the tight throated anxiety for 6 weeks now and I've made great strides (no more hot flashes, no more heart palpitations, no panic attacks!). But the choking sensation every day at work means I either must quit my job or find a way to work there in comfort.

Yesterday I tried a test. I took a valium to see if the throat discomfort was due to something other than anxiety. Within 30 minutes my throat was relaxed. So I went to see a Physician's Assistant last night to check my throat to see if there was something physiologically wrong with it that was causing the choking sensation.

"Your throat is perfect," he said. "Besides, there's nothing wrong with taking Prozac. Everyone should take prozac. It gives you energy; it improves your memory; it makes you lose weight!"

Well the blue pill doesn't sound so frightening now, does it?

Smelling Salts

Happiness is to smell like the sea. Salty, brisk, and fluid. That’s me for today I smell of the sea.
As I metamorphose in menopause I have had a series of dreams. At first they were scary and I would wake up sweating, with my heart racing like mad, and a lump in my throat (that infernal lump).

This weekend I had two dreams. In the first I am walking through a beautiful garden. There is a shallow brick pool of water and sandy pathways around it. The garden is terraced and looks over a large alpine lake. It is in my parents’ backyard and I realize that my father designed this garden. I look out over the lake and notice that standing in front of the bench, you can look through a trellis and down onto a Japanese gateway to the lake. It is perfectly aligned and I marvel at my father’s insight. But I am sad. He is not here to enjoy this garden. I wake up sad for my father passed away in 1980.

I think about this dream for several hours and finally conclude that we are my father’s garden -- my sisters, brother and I, and our kids.

Last night I had a lively discussion with Lori about mid-life crisis. She told me that a hallmark of this passage is when you realize your own mortality. Damn, I’m getting double-whammied – menopause and midlife crisis all at once!

Last night, in my dreams, I was being pursued by young people in a cult. They were very gentle and respectful of me because I was special. I escaped their clutches many times but they always found me again. At one point, I was descending in a medieval structure. As I went down the levels of the building, the people and the rooms got shabbier and more frightening. I was not scared just annoyed at this attention I was receiving.

At one point I started to fly overhead to escape them but then I would near a rise and they would have climbed it and be waiting for me. So I finally surrendered. They removed my clothes and wrapped me in a towel. A group of people gathered around and a young priestess hypnotized me and levitated me about 6 feet off the ground. They removed the towel. My genitalia were throbbing with anticipation and a horned man approached. I knew he was going to penetrate me. I knew that I was going to change forever. I woke up.

I went surfing.

Customize this page

Google has rolled out a new "news" page. You can now customize it to search for news on items of interest. You can also change the display of features. I added General Aviation and Surfing to my page. Now this is progress!

Since I continue to suffer hot flashes I toyed with the idea of adding "Hot Flashes" to my customized news page, but I thought that might be over the top. I want to forget about them not become obsessed by them.

Two volcanoes erupted in Indonesia and scientist say it is probably a result of the two large earthquakes that have shaken those islands to the core in the past 4 months.

One Day at a Time

I'm back to work. My throat is tight and I have this feeling of wanting to run away, but I practice deep breathing, get up and stretch, and hum down the hallways.

Actually, the daily grind of work is calming me down. I was off for 3 days attempting to calm these panic attacks and anxiety. It's been a rocky road. Monday afternoon my heart was thumping like a frightened rabbit, the plum pit came back into my throat and I felt anxious. I spent most of the afternoon practicing deep breathing, meditation, yoga, and other relaxation techniques. I slept fitfully and woke up Tuesday with my heart still pounding.

That morning, I decided to go surfing. I put on a bathing suit, grabbed my surfboard, put sunblock on my face, and headed down to the beach. The waves weren't good so I decided to go the gym; but en route and fed up with this tension, I decided to stop by home and pick up the Prozac prescription and fill it.

I dropped by the pharmacy. There was a long line and only one clerk attending. She was stuck with a man filling 30 prescriptions; of which about half had not arrived yet. So he insisted that the clerk open all the morning delivery boxes and search for his meds. I thought to myself, here is a test to practice patience. I waited. And waited. Finally I reached the front of the line and bought my Prozac (which would cause more anxiety in the short term until it kicked in, could cause insomnia, and would be trial and error for the right dosage, according to the Doctor who prescribed them).

I had to wait for the Pharmacist to talk to me about it since it was the first time I'd been prescribed an anti-depressant.

He approached the counter where I was waiting with a concerned smile. "Is this for depression?" he asked.

"No. Anxiety." I responded.

He hesitated a moment and then reached out to pat my hand that was resting on the counter and added, "It usually kicks in really quick."

I left there and went to the gym. As I passed the mirror I glanced at myself -- since I had planned to surf that morning I had not brushed my hair. But the night before I had slept poorly, tossing and turning, so my normally smooth bob was a circular eddy around my right ear, and my bangs were standing straight up.

The Pharmacist must've thought I was a madwoman! It's been 3 days, and I haven't started the Prozac yet. But I do make sure to brush my hair before going out in the morning.

On the mend

I woke up feeling normal today, other than a bit of unease while driving. I love feeling normal.

Who needs drugs when feeling normal is so right on!

Surfed OB Pier this morning. The water was very cold from the upwelling.

What a great day!

Plum Pit Qi

Western medicine has failed me. I went to my health care providers 4 times; 3 times I left with drugs that whacked me out of balance. Just one time I was fortunate enough to meet with a very compassionate Doctor, Francesca Adriana, who spent almost an hour with me but didn't address my real problems or offer to see me again.

In the past week I have experienced acupuncture, Reiki and devotionals, and seen a homeopath. What a difference a week makes! What impresses me about these alternative healers is that they give you their home phone numbers. "Call me if you panic," the homeopath said. "Any time, day or night!" It was a lifeline. These female healers gently counseled me to listen to my body. If I did, I would know what to do.

In the past weeks I have reviewed my life and acknowledged it is too stressful. It's time to slow down - time to integrate my body with my mind. All my life I have expected my body to obey what my mind demands; now it's time for a two-way conversation. So I've embarked on a program of meditation, slow walking, doing one thing at a time, and letting go of setting so many goals in one day (something I've been doing for the past 10 years since I fell into depression.)
I stopped medicating myself with red wine.

I drove slower this week and it's amazing how many people are out there risking their lives to arrive one minute earlier. (I used to be one of them.) Now I find it hard to drive more than 60 MPH. Driving is still difficult for me. The acupuncturist told me that people who suffer from anxiety attacks suffer them most frequently while driving.

I went to the acupuncturist about my throat. I still have that lump in my throat, and it's not Post-nasal Drip as Dr. Adriana told me. It's what the Chinese call Plum Pit Qi (pronounced chee). Plum Pit Qi feels like you have a plum pit in your throat. It is caused by tension. The acupuncturist treated me for it today.

Enroute to my appointment, I realized I would be late. I still haven't adjusted to driving slower and I need to calculate my travel times a bit more generously so I don't feel the pressure to speed. As I arrived at the acupuncturist's office I saw a young woman and man sitting in a car with the hood raised. I asked them if they needed help.

Their car wouldn't start. The old me told them I was late for an appointment but when I came out I'd help them start the car. The new me stopped and added, "Oh what the hell, I'll give you my jumper cables right now!"

I pulled them out of my trunk and advised them to start the running car and let it run for a good 5 minutes before they tried to start the car with the dead battery (something I learned the first few times I drained my battery.)

I went in for my appointment. When I came out the car was gone and so were my jumper cables but I had a note on my windshield.

"Thank you so much for offering to help. We were desperate for help and you came like a rescuing 'angle' to help us. Brian and Catherine

Better an angle than an a**hole.